2,5-ish Minutes Worthy of Stand-Up Comedy Material For You To Take If Resonates With You.

Updated: Jun 3

It's no secret that I love writing. I have a wild imagination, so creative writing is my preferred form of writing. I write poetry, novels, scripts, and... jokes, or just funny stories. Sometimes they are not even funny, but I always have a good time imagining them.


I realized that I have tons of materials in English (what a nerd!) that I'll never be able to perform (I live in Brazil). Also, most of the material does not resonate with my comedy persona.


If your comedy persona is someone that has no filter, loves to joke about dark topics, and is always flirting with edgy subjects - maybe the material below can work for you. If you decide to use this material, I suggest adapting the story to your comedy voice. Also, I've never had the opportunity to test it, so please let me know if the material works on stage or not. :)


THERAPY ON ZOOM

Don’t you hate when you with your therapist on Zoom, and you are opening your heart, thinking he is listening and focused on what you're saying, but in reality, his video is just frozen? Then, when the video comes back, he pretends nothing happened and starts blaming everything on your parents. Seriously? How being a single mother of 12 cats is my parent’s fault?


PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

The first month of lockdown, super productive! I started learning Korean, baking bread… - Wonderful! God sent us this plague so mother nature can heal, and we can chill. Really Leila, Reaaally?! 😒


2 months later in quarantine, I was one with my dad’s couch. And not in a happily-married way. I was ill. My mind dissociated from my body and became a different person. I would pick up a knife and immediately hear a whisper in my head: hey, let’s cut one finger. Just one finger to see what happens? It will be fun. hahahahhahahaha (mad laugh).


I was a mess.


So, I felt the urge to dump therapy and went straight to a Psychiatrist. For those who don’t know the difference. A Therapist is a guy you pay to unpack your shit. A psychiatrist is the one who you pay to give you medication to control your shit.


Man… Psychiatrists are just legal drug dealers. Aren’t they?


Have you been to a psychiatrist and left without a prescription for drugs? No, I don’t think so.


Same setup of a drug dealer, different dynamics.


A regular drug dealer you meet at Washington Square Park. You pay, he does all the talking, you get your shit and get out.


I’ve paid $250 for a consultation with a Psychiatrist. I didn’t get to talk. I met him at his office in Central Park West and left with a prescription for 2 boxes of Klonopin.


How's that even legal?


But they are necessary tho. The news feeds you madness every day. Psychiatrists are there to sell you peace when your therapist fails to.


And that’s coming from a person who doesn't like putting chemicals in her body.


Just weed, wine, and Netflix work fine for me.


The problem with prescription drugs is that it’s dangerous to mix them with alcohol.


Which I don’t get it…


Wine comes from grapes and alcohol from sugarcane. All-natural, all taste delicious.


How is that dangerous?


As a matter of fact, I read an article that said a glass of wine per day is good for your heart.


Seems to me Klonopin pairs nicely with wine.


Don’t get me wrong. I’m not an alcoholic, I just drink in excess.


Wine makes me happy. Klonopin gives me peace! So, GO FU** YOURSELF!


End-show disclaimer: Hey Guys, My name is ___________. Please don't mix drugs with heavy machinery because that's the real danger. Take care, Peace! ✌️



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